can't sleep

as usual...i can't sleep..and it's sunday morning. it's 3.30 am, n it's raining..damn...it's not new.. actually...i'm use to sleep late...so so late...hehe..plan to ride this morning..n i think...i have to cancel it.  

I could fall asleep now but stay awake,

yawning, heavy eyed, I stare at the ceiling.

I dont want to be here, it is an obtuse pain;

a mix of comfort, anxiety and restlessness.

This is a torture I cant escape and I must suffer alone.

The dreams have started again.

Its like my little holiday... from everything,

they feel like they last for hours but in reality only a few minutes has passed.

Its all so vivid and in reach but by the time my eyes reopen, nearly all of it is lost.

I follow the rules to the letter

it feels so real, so I forget its me whos in control,

that it is me who is god.

No one is at the steering wheel,

so I fall into nightmare.

Even my only sanctuary betrays me, suffering those same flaws;

susceptible and vulnerable to chaos.

An iron garden washed in tints of brown,

ruled by the tyranny of marionette strings,

obscured in white noise,

blemished with melancholy.

Within a weak white light I'll hide in the company of the blonde figure.

I want to stay here, its getting harder to find this place.

Each time it feels like the last.

Here, I get to see your face,

here, I can touch you and feel your warmth,

here, you are real to me even if you are a fabrication.

It doesnt matter, its enough to want me to stay.

If only there was a way

Could one relinquish this realm to live in a sandbox dominion of his own creation.

Would it be accepted? Would it be allowed? Could you let me go so I can find solace?

Can i hide within a broke record and freeze the world for this?

To live a lie to bring a smile.

An arrogence to sheild out the sorrow.

This curious nature spites me. Ii travel deeper down the rabbit hole.

How deep does it go. what haapens next.

I am curious.... it shall be the death of me as like the cat which came previous.

I am cold, tired, and lost.

I grovel to myself to find the solution but as an oxymoron of the psyche,

myself shall keep it, aswell as the world I reside in;

and I will continue to search.

..... I can't sleep

ARGHHH!!!!!!!

stress.....FUCK!!!...

Far East Movement - Rocketeer ft. Ryan Tedder

nice song...

here we go, come with me

there’s a world out there that we should see

take my hand, close your eyes

with you right here, a rocketeer

let’s fly

fly, fly, fly

up, up here we go, go, up up here we go go

let’s fly (fly fly fly)

up, up here we go, go, up, up, here we go go

where we stop, nobody knows

where we go, we don’t need roads

’cause where we stop, nobody knows

to the stars, if you really want it

(got) got a jetpack with your name on it

above the clouds and the atmosphere

say the words and we’re outta here

hold my hand if you’re feeling scared (scared)

here we go, come with me

there’s a world out there that we should see

take my hand, close your eyes

with you right here, a rocketeer

let’s fly

baby, we can stay fly like a g6

shop the streets of tokyo, get your fly kicks

girl you’re always on mind, got my head up in the sky

and i’m never looking down, i’m feeling priceless

where we’re at, only few have known

(…) super mario

i hope this works out, (cardio)

’til then let’s fly

headache..

broken me

To much to think...right now... what am i going to do...in the future....i feel like a broken tv. just came back...home...hanging out with a few friends of mine. seeing how happy their are. it just..making me sad inside. i know that everybody have their own problem.. but i feel like..my problem...is like the end of the world....don't know la..

life goes on..

i just want to scream out load...just to let all the stress..the burden i've been carrying all my life...wanted to feel relax and calm.. wanted to have a peace and hushed life...maybe i can't have it all...at least i have my life to live on..hmmm..

Silversun Pickups - Little Lover's So Polite

So much for the light show
Pissing on while pissing off
Sucking in a smokescreen
Selling of a loose knit dream

Folding up the skyline
Agreeing on a steep decline
Cant control this airplane
Being caught is just the same
Headed for a lowlife
Little lover's so polite
Waking up the core needs
With smelling salts and faulty means

Did the bones collide
Who let the bones collide
Why did the bones collide

([Nikki:] it's always the same way for me
Ending in the same way.)

So much for the showdown
Keeping up while keeping off
Choking on the cold feet
Rolling up the plastic sleeves
Can't control the slow ride
Little lover's so polite
Turning off the low light
Tell me did the bones collide
The bones collide
The bones collide
Little lover's so polite
So polite
So polite
Turning off the low light

([Nikki:] it's always the same way for me
Blue turns soft with time
Broke remains, an everyday disguise
Ending in the same way. . .the same way)

Tell me did the bones collide
The bones collide
The bones collide
Little lover's so polite
So polite
So polite 

silversun pickups - panic switch

Time

It's not worth my time

Blue shine bleeds into my eyes

I still

Sleep on the right side

Of the white noise

Can't leave the scene behind

Could I be anything you want me to be

It's always meant to be seen

[Chorus:]

When you see yourself in a crowded room?

Do your fingers itch? Are you pistol-whipped?

Do you step in line or release the glitch?

Can you fall asleep with a panic switch?

When you see yourself in a crowded room,

Do your fingers itch? Are you pistol whipped?

Do you step in line or release the glitch?

Do you think she'll sleep with a panic?

And I'll try to hold on tight tonight.

Pink slip, inviting me inside.

I want to burn skin and brand what once was mine,

But the red news came ripping in to fight.

If I go anywhere that you want me to go,

How do I know you'll still follow?

[Chorus]

I'm waiting and fading and floating away

I'm waiting and fading and floating away

I'm waiting and fading and floating away

I'm waiting and fading and floating away

I'm waiting and fading and floating away

Waiting and fading and floating away

Waiting and fading and floating away

Waiting and fading and flailing and fading

[Chorus] 

company perhaps

me n my two friends, wan and nuzole is trying to set up a company. started a few days back. actually what we are selling is carbon fiber product for Kawasaki ksr parts. i've actually join this club myksr last year. We trying to make something that is rare to find cheap n nice to use. custom parts for the bike. hopefully will be a great success. here's a picure of my bike.

me n photoshop. (old pic)

Morning

suka.suka

just me

hell n me

hmm

Aku Mohd Ridhuan, wan, huan, ape lagi panggilan yang diberi, dilahirkan 26 november 1985. Umur aku dah 26 tahun. tapi tak ada satu benda yang boleh aku banggakan, it's sucks to be me. terlalu banyak kesalahan yang aku dah buat, aku rasa macam tak berguna, mati itu aku, itu yang selalu bermain dalam kepala otak aku sekarang ni. aku rasa macam seorang anak yang tak berguna. apa tah lagi sebagai seorang kawan. aku malu nak berdepan dengan orang lain. apa yang aku nak luahkan pun susah aku nak cakap. dalam hati aku ni hanya ada satu benda. mati...mati..mati...aku nak bagi segala-galanya dekat keluarga ku. dekat kawan-kawan ku, tapi tak boleh.  aku rasa bodoh, sebab aku sendiri ak berusaha, aku bukan cacat, aku tak terencat, tapi aku samakan diri aku ni, macam orang gila, kadang-kadang, aku rasa macam nak masuk ke wad orang gila, biar je aku dekat situ, tak payah nak jengok-jengok aku. biar aku mati dekat situ. tu je permintaan aku. aku tak tahan dah dengan suasana kehidupan aku sekarang nie. this is my last wish.

till the day that i die

smoking some cigarette to release some tension,
filling my lung with poison that will kill me,
it's easy, just inhale and puff out the smoke,
it's like oxygen, it's like my life,
alone in my own darkroom,
waiting for my angel of death to take me away,

the sun doesn't shine on me no more,
the moon just hide away when i go out at night,
the rain keeps pouring down on me,
washing away my sins,
washing away my past memories,
erasing me from history,

I've broken my own heart,
shatter into a thousand pieces,
i carried with me a shovel,
so that i could dig my own grave,
where my body will lay down,
not in peace, not in harmony,

sorrow is my friend,
demon is my company,
i don't wish for more time,
i don't wish for forgiveness,
i just wish that i won't be remember,
but it's just till the day that i die...

it's a hard life

damn...i'm thorn between life n death. so many things run in my fucking brain. so hard for me to explain. there's no love for me. hope for a happy ending, not going to. i fuck my own life up, wish i was dead.