I could fall asleep now but stay awake,
yawning, heavy eyed, I stare at the ceiling.
I dont want to be here, it is an obtuse pain;
a mix of comfort, anxiety and restlessness.
This is a torture I cant escape and I must suffer alone.
The dreams have started again.
Its like my little holiday... from everything,
they feel like they last for hours but in reality only a few minutes has passed.
Its all so vivid and in reach but by the time my eyes reopen, nearly all of it is lost.
I follow the rules to the letter
it feels so real, so I forget its me whos in control,
that it is me who is god.
No one is at the steering wheel,
so I fall into nightmare.
Even my only sanctuary betrays me, suffering those same flaws;
susceptible and vulnerable to chaos.
An iron garden washed in tints of brown,
ruled by the tyranny of marionette strings,
obscured in white noise,
blemished with melancholy.
Within a weak white light I'll hide in the company of the blonde figure.
I want to stay here, its getting harder to find this place.
Each time it feels like the last.
Here, I get to see your face,
here, I can touch you and feel your warmth,
here, you are real to me even if you are a fabrication.
It doesnt matter, its enough to want me to stay.
If only there was a way
Could one relinquish this realm to live in a sandbox dominion of his own creation.
Would it be accepted? Would it be allowed? Could you let me go so I can find solace?
Can i hide within a broke record and freeze the world for this?
To live a lie to bring a smile.
An arrogence to sheild out the sorrow.
This curious nature spites me. Ii travel deeper down the rabbit hole.
How deep does it go. what haapens next.
I am curious.... it shall be the death of me as like the cat which came previous.
I am cold, tired, and lost.
I grovel to myself to find the solution but as an oxymoron of the psyche,
myself shall keep it, aswell as the world I reside in;
and I will continue to search.
..... I can't sleep
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